Pre-conception care: Unity

A heart series

Unity: Are we ready to expand our family?

If you are reading this you are likely in a chapter where you are seeking out resources to carefully consider and plan over the prospect of parenting and pre-conception care. I welcome you into this space and hope that this time of preparation for you and your spouse is one of closeness, growth, and hope.

Maybe you’ve been with your love for one minute or ten years, or perhaps you are single and feeling the intensity of longing to conceive, to become a mother, to expand your family. Maybe you feel ambivalent, under time pressure and a sense of societal expectations to get pregnant before a certain age. Perhaps you just don’t know if you ever want to get pregnant or become a parent or potentially while a part of you feels you would make a great parent you are terrified at the idea. Before having our son and feeling the heart and bodily longing to conceive I found myself scouring for experiences akin to what I wish to try and encapsulate within these writings. It was hard to find the nuanced and holistic tone to what my heart was searching for.

It seems today that it is rather a bold thing to state to your partner that you would like a baby. We can share a home, life, and our bodies and so many facets are intertwined, and yet to share a desire for children can feel terrifying! There may be many reasons for this but I would urge any person who truly longs to be a parent to be transparent about these things sooner rather than later. Because, in truth, it takes time to be ready and (it can) take time to even get pregnant. How can you be in true union with someone you are unable to share your deepest wishes with? I disclosed early on in our relationship a desire for children and he felt the same but even still it would be seven years, many jobs, adventures, moves, triumphs, and growing pains until we became parents. The point is that we began from a mutual place of understanding, of unity. We had time to grow and expand in other ways first and for us both to arrive in a space where we were united in being ready.

The density of this subject and how a couple may approach this topic could easily fill a book. I am passionate about creating a reflective space where couples may consider the precipice of parenthood. A place where their love may grow and clarity may be gained as home, heart, body, and mind are prepared for parenthood. A time when you may ask one another perhaps confronting questions and where you may learn more of one another’s expectations of parenting, excitements, and fears.

You may regard these collections of writings as a prelude to TTC or if you are taking a break or in a long period of TTC then perhaps this may refresh the time you have whilst you wait to begin your family. (Sending love to anyone walking through a period of prolonged waiting).

It all begins with Unity

As I’ve sat on the ideas for this writing series, I have contemplated the origins of how couples decide to ‘be ready’ and it is clear that this decision-making process is enhanced when a couple is in a state of close unity.

The defining principle of unity is to be in oneness with each other and as a result experience wholeness, and connectivity. Of course, unity is so much more than both saying yes to something, to be in a deep union with your love allows for an alignment in every sphere of your life. It touches your work life, finances, the food you eat, your home environment, your sense of self, your friendships, and so on. Consider, for a moment, the couples in your life who seem to work in harmony with one another. No one is perfect but there is oneness there and a complimenting of the other that happens. One spouse brings out the qualities and strength in another. To be in true unity with your love will inevitably protect both of you from hosting resentment for the inevitable (beautiful but hard) sacrifice of parenthood that will come. Whether your pregnancy is planned or not, being in unity with your spouse is the bedrock for so many things in parenting. It is the fruit of good communication and deep trust. It is a work in process and something that needs daily attention.

Holding the space

Create a space that holds you both as you talk and ask the question ‘Are we ready?’. Picture the environment to be one of order, calm, and beauty. The day’s work is put away, or maybe you have both taken the day off. Perhaps you are walking out in nature or sitting in the quiet of an evening in the armchairs, or if you have other littles, maybe you are stealing a moment over a coffee whilst they nap or play. In other words, do not rush or hurry this conversation, hold and make space for it. Check-in with each other, are you both feeling relaxed and focused? Are phones and distractions out of sight and mind?

Cycles and Rhythms

To prepare for conception you must prepare in mind but how connected are you both to your bodies? Are you connected to your cycle and is he aware of your cycle? Did you know that there are only a few days a month when it is possible to conceive? Would he be able to tell when you’re ovulating or premenstrual and indeed, would you? Spending the time to remove hormonal contraception and learning your rhythm; how long your cycle is, how regular, and when you are fertile and not is extremely empowering for a woman. Most of our education teaches us about how not to get pregnant, contraception and the such like, how much are we taught really as people how to conceive? The more in tune and connected she is to her body the more she will be able to sense when she is ready to conceive. But what’s more, how well does he know your cycle, is he in tune with your body without you even having to say a word? There are multiple resources to which you can direct your time in but I would highly recommend Wild power by Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer. If you already nodding in agreement to all of the above then this is brilliant and such a great foundation for emotional and physical union. The more you can be in tune with each other’s cycles (yes men have cycles too!) the more trust can build.

Asking the question

Are we ready? If you have both wanted children for a while this question may likely have been asked repeatedly for many years. As the oldest and wisest parents love to tell us ‘You will never be ready’ There is truth in this and questions such as, for example, ‘Can you practically provide for our child?’ may be asked. But perhaps the most important question of all is; do we love each other? Are we willing and ready to sacrifice for one another? Are we willing and ready to grow out of our comfort zones with each other? Are we both committed to expanding ourselves as our lives change? These types of questions underpin the readiness of your heart for parenthood.

She is the vessel and he must support her

I will admit that I feel a sense of protectiveness towards women regarding the details of decisions when it comes to the timing of conception. Unequivocally it is a joint decision that must be considered with care and love, conversation, and resources. It is never a decision to force, coerce, or manipulate either parties in. That is of course the whole point of this segment of writing, to be in unity. Yet, something to consider, it is the woman who has a limited fertile window of time and it is she who after all shall grow a human, labour, birth, and (if she chooses) breastfeed for many years. It is her body that must go through the greatest changes and the biggest shifts. The (beautiful) sacrifice of this of course impacts not only her but on her spouse. And so is she ready to enter into this bodily sacrifice? and is he ready to support her with these physical and emotional changes? Is he ready to give up for a time a lot of his own needs to support her for this time? Are we prepared to make room for more than just us two? Are we prepared to manifest our love to something outside of ourselves?

But what if?

And yet, what if your union could become even closer through these outward and inward changes that come through conception, pregnancy, birth, and parenthood, and what if it allowed you the opportunity to be even closer?

Unity is power

The reverberating impact of being in true unity before even conceiving will surely impact the future of your relationship and parenthood. It is powerful to enter this phase of life united in mind and body. It is never too late to become united. It always starts from a place of loving one another. We are so often taught to be in defense of our spouse and not always taught the powerful quality of being vulnerable. If you are in a time of ‘almost but not quite ready’ and continuing to talk, and communicate your thoughts and perspectives on when you will be ready then perhaps regard this time as preparing. You are confronting one another with honesty and it is wise to ponder regularly on how becoming a parent will impact your lives and how best to prepare.

There is so much brimming in my heart with the subject. I am snatching windows of time in the late hours or when grandma takes my son for an hour to scribble down these thoughts. Please reach out if you have questions or ponders. There is more to come! Bless you, on this pre-conception journey.